In the Midst of Life

I wrote in an earlier post about the preservation of consciousness while living the everyday, which, I believe, requires a limitation of participation so that we may “smell the roses”, so to speak.  So that we may have that moment of clarity, full awareness of time and place in that very moment; a mental landmark in the day.  Inevitably, taking such a momentary hiatus requires we “step back” from reality, disengage, and perhaps, become invisible for a moment.  I believe that I’ve rediscovered this conundrum in a different form; one that questions freedom in the face of invisibility.

I’ve been in medical school for almost 4 months now, or perhaps more descriptively, for a lifetime’s worth of experience and headache.  The density of the overall events in my everyday are staggering, and by the mere nature of this whole process, are beginning to swallow my presence in the normal everyday social structure I used to take part of.  I feel like I’m disappearing.  I feel free.

So how free are we to do what we want?  I’m taking this from a moral standpoint, the very fabric that tethers our human relationships.  When submersed in the everyday social structure, that of friends and family, our options and actions are restricted by our obligations to those around us.  Sure, we say we are free to do anything, but is freedom in the off-handed option to say so, or is it in exercising that option?  I find that my life is taking a turn that will sever many of the already anemic interpersonal relationships I have now, perhaps labeling me as selfish, but its a path I want to take.  I find that there are those people who die before they’re forty, capping their human potential in exchange for mere financial survival, those who have perfected mere survival in a life of luxury, though still mostly dead in the water when it comes to any sort of substantial existence, and then there are those who live on the periphery of the normal social constucts.  There are those who live their lives by exploiting every opportunty given to them, regardless of how society regards the activity, and excel on an entire different construct.

Maybe that is what we all strive to be, yet, held back by the “reality” of our lives.  Maybe I am selfish in wanting to take this path.  But, when educated everyday on what compromises the integrity of biological life, it seems completely absurd not to go forth and do so.  Heidegger once said death is “one’s most own”, which lead to a philosophy professor of mine to tell me “once we are born, we are old enough to die.”  How absurd. How true.  Like I said earlier, I feel free.  Though, I feel more lost than ever.  There is such a salient mental weight I find myself carrying around everyday; something to the effect of “this is not enough”. 

I know this entry seems rather disjointed, and perhaps vague, but thats the idea.  I still can’t put my finger on it either.  Like a thread with too many ends, I can’t find the one that tethers the entire thing together.